Getting out of a bad relationship

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What hinders people from getting out of a bad relationship
  • The fear of loneliness.

Confront the hindrance: You may feel lonely when you are in a relationship too if you don't share common interests.
  • The unwillingness to give up something in which you have invested a lot of time, energy and expectations. It just feels like surrender or a waste of time.

Confront the hindrance: Ask yourself "Have I tried hard enough to improve the situation?" and "Has anything changed for the better as a result of my efforts?" Face the truth and do not let stubbornness eliminate your chance to find a better relationship with someone more compatible. The time spent in the relationship would not be a waste of time if you learn from the experience but if you stay in this relationship after realizing it's bad for you and there is nothing you can do to improve it, then any day spent feeling miserable is a waste of time.
  • The hope that your partner will change some day if you treat them with love and patience.

Confront the hindrance: If your partner has a disrespectful behavior, don't tolerate it. People change when they feel personal motivation and desire to do it. You can help only if your help is wanted.

Consider staying with the person only if you see that they are making real attempts to solve their problem. Beware that the period of change may take so long that it might deplete all your resources of patience and love for this person and leave you filled with resentment.
  • Low self-esteem.

Confront the hindrance: This is the deepest motive that underlies many of the other reasons for not breaking a bad relationship. People are aware of the fact that self-esteem is crucial for success in all spheres in life. The difficulty is in finding a way to raise it. Be proactive – start reading books on the topic, put the advice given there in practice and be consistent. Talk with your closest friends about it and ask them to help you learn the new patterns of behavior – treating yourself with self-respect. You can also talk with a life coach if your friends' support turns out insufficient.
  • Wrong concepts about love. Unfortunately, society doesn't do much to teach children and adults how to create healthy relationships. On the contrary – you'll often hear toxic statements like "I can't live without him/her" in conversations, movies, songs lyrics. This shouldn't be considered romantic. A romantic and healthy relationship where two people feel and express real love can only exist between independent, equal partners who are together not because they need each other but because they choose to share their already fulfilling life with somebody else.

Strategy: Again search for sources like books, consultants, Internet articles which can help you learn how to create a healthy loving relationship. Jorge Bucay's books and Barbara De Angelis' books are really valuable in this aspect.

What constitutes a bad relationship and how to deal with it
  • The relationship is physically or emotionally abusive. It's the most obvious case of a bad relationship.

Mutual respect, honesty, support, good communication and equality are the basic requirements for a relationship to be healthy. If you are feeling disrespected or hurt by your partner, it's extremely unhealthy for you to stay together.

Strategy: In this case, you have to get out of it immediately. Seek help in centers that deal with domestic abuse. They will provide you with shelter, protection and support.
  • You are in an addictive relationship. If the other person is married, not interested, or emotionally unavailable and yet you feel like you are drawn to them, it could be an addictive relationship.

Strategy: You need to focus on the fact that you can discontinue the relationship with the other person and live without them the way you used to live before meeting them. Deal with the fear of loneliness and the problem with low self-esteem by reading books on the topic, searching for support from friends who can help you boost your self-confidence and have consultations with a life coach or therapist to speed up the process of breaking your addiction to the dysfunctional relationship and discovering your independence. You can try to do it on your own but the longer it takes you, the stronger the emotional suffering and the more difficult the recovery will be. Don't hesitate to seek help to avoid wasting time.
  • You've realized that you and your partner are incompatible. It can be really tough to break up with the person if you still love them and value their good qualities but at the same time you feel dissatisfied due to the lack of common passions and conversation topics or differing life goals and expectations for a relationship.

Strategy: If you have kept the polite tone and even the love between the two of you, then you owe your partner an honest conversation in which to take decisions how to deal with the separation in the least hurtful way, honoring what you've had together.

Some people prefer to do it quickly, while others would rather have a smoother transition from being in a couple to being single.  It depends whether both of you can afford to start living on your own immediately. If you cannot afford it, start planning ways to find the necessary resources – looking for a better-paid job, asking friends for help, etc. The transition may seem impossible in the beginning but you need to make it step by step. If a lawyer is needed to deal with your assets, consult with one so you know exactly what you're entitled to.

With my last ex-boyfriend we decided to live together until his apartment was ready. It took about half a year and we managed to transform our relationship into friendship. That doesn't mean that it didn't hurt when he was moving out. Separation is painful when you still love your partner even just as a friend. It takes time to get used to the new situation.
  • There is no physical attraction any more.

Strategy: Try to rekindle the spark in numerous ways. Search for ideas in books, magazines and marriage consultants. You may need to leave the comfort zone in order to experiment but if you still love your partner, then it's worth striving to save the relationship.

If despite your attempts, nothing has changed, then it's time to accept the spark's permanent loss. Some couples try to continue being together without the physical link but this prevents the relationship from being fulfilling and finally frustration takes over.
  • Your partner is reluctant to take part in finding solutions to problems, improving the relationship and preventing relationship boredom.

It's really sad that relationships that might have a great potential, actually slowly weaken until love's place is taken by resentment. When you appreciate a lot of your partner's qualities and you want to deal with relationship challenges in a successful way, it's hard to put up with your spouse's reluctance to discuss an issue or draw upon advice in books and meet a counselor.

Even when the problem is just relationship boredom, it shouldn't be seen as something minor as after some time it leads to alienation, lack of physical attraction or infidelity.

Strategy:Try to suggest solutions in an unobtrusive way. When a person feels pressure to do something, they might react with even stronger resistance to your ideas. Explain in a logical and calm way why what you are suggesting could be beneficial for the relationship and give them some time to consider your words.

If they reject your suggestions but are not willing to offer their own ideas, you are left with no choice but decide whether to break up and move on. In most cases, separation is the wiser decision as staying with a partner who prefers to deny the problems means you have to carry the whole burden of the relationship and put up with unresolved issues until the frustration is too much to bear. The spouse who is averse to actively searching for solutions by communicating with you and gathering knowledge from different sources (books, counselors) abandoned the relationship long before your decision to break up with them.

The bottom line is – a long-term relationship is successful when the following three elements are present in it: physical attraction, compatibility and commitment. If any of them is missing, the relationship isn't likely to be fulfilling. On the contrary – it may be causing a lot of suffering to you and sometimes you may not even realize it if you are too scared to see the truth. Constant headache, nervousness, anxiety, etc are possible symptoms of relationship problems. Try to be aware of the level of your satisfaction and the reasons for it. Release yourself and your partner from the dysfunctional relationship in order to achieve a much healthier and happier way of life. 

Read also:

The Best Strategy to Attract Women

The Optimal Time to Become a Parent
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